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Last week, I was asked to give a presentation to a group of emerging leaders at J&J, focusing around the topic of managing conflict. Without a doubt a crucial skill to develop on the road to being an effective leader. The funny thing is, we understand how important it is yet we spend so little time devoted to development this area. Why? “It’s uncomfortable, it’s difficult, it’s hard to simulate.”  These excuses may be true; but it doesn’t diminish the importance for us to develop ourselves in this area.

As I began, I asked the group to give me the first word that came to their mind when I said the word “conflict” and to no surprise, I received quick and varied responses: “argument, disagreement, confrontation, loss of productivity” to name a few. Interestingly enough every single response had a negative connotation. In actuality, conflict is often the driving force to address problems or recognize different points of view. - all very positive.

Despite the fact that many of us see conflict as something negative, and don’t like dealing with it, there are techniques that you can implement that will help you better handle difficult situations.

Conflict isn’t the problem - it’s when conflict is managed poorly that it becomes a problem.

Below are some ideas from my presentation, a logical approach to understand and effectively manage through conflict, aptly named “The Ladder of Thinking.”

In conflict situations we are most often working from our own perception of the situation - from our own “story” so to speak. Conflict occurs when we don’t have a clear understanding of the other “story” and we believe that we are right and the other person is wrong.

So, to be able to take the first steps to resolve conflict, we need to be able to understand how the other person has reached their conclusion - which makes perfect sense to them but not to us!  We also need to help them understand how we reached our conclusion and why.

First, we each have a puddle of “information” that we are experiencing - these are our observations of the situation:

• Sometimes we have information that is known only to us
• Sometimes the other person has information that is not known to us
• Sometimes we have information that is overlapping with the other person

Secondly, we take this information, our observations - what we are seeing, hearing and feeling - and interpret it to give it meaning.

Finally, we formulate conclusions about what is happening. It is important to note, though, at each step in the process, there is an opportunity for our “stories” to differ. This is because we each process information differently and then interpret this information in our own individual way.

 When we have conflict, it is often because we are only focusing on the conclusion, and sharing that with each other. To explain it in more detail:

Rung 1 - Information/observations:

We notice different things - what we pay attention to is influenced by what we care about and who we are.

Rung 2 - Interpretations

Even if we have the same information to work from, we often interpret it differently, we have differing perceptions -  I see the glass as half full, you see it as half empty;  same ocean same time - to me the water is warm, to you it’s cool - and we make assumptions based on our interpretation.  The ladders can pull further apart as you go up.

Two factors influence how we interpret our observations of a situation and begin making assumptions:

• Prior Experiences
  • Our past experiences impact how we view the present - understanding where someone is coming from in terms of their stance is very helpful
  • Sometimes we are not aware of how much our experiences in the past are impacting us now
• We live by our “rules”
  • These past experiences develop into “rules” by which we live our lives.
  • These rules dictate how we think we should behave, what is “right” and “wrong” or how things should be.
  • Not everyone lives by the same set of “rules” e.g. I think it’s OK to be late for an appointment, it’s not a big deal, don’t worry about it - you are very punctual and always believe you should be on time otherwise it is disrespectful to the other person.

When these “rules” clash - conflict occurs

Rung 3 - Self-Bias

It’s human nature to form conclusions based on our own interests. When we observe and gather information, we are paying attention to what matters to us - This leads us to the conclusion that we are, of course, right!

Final Thoughts: Keys to Success for Managing Conflict

• When you are in a conflict situation it is important to ensure that you make your “rules” known to the other person, and encourage them to articulate their “rules” so that you have a clearer understanding of each other’s interpretation of the information
• Don’t fall into the trap of making assumptions that the other person understands how you reached your conclusion:
• Don’t assume other people perceive the world the way you do
• Don’t assume that others attach the same meanings to things that you do
• Don’t assume that everyone will react the same way that you do

How do we stop ourselves making assumptions and gain greater insight into the other person’s story?

• Show interest in their viewpoint
• Be inquisitive
• Work to understand why they feel or act the way they do
• Don’t make judgments
• Do not assume that either one of you has to be “right” and/or “wrong”
• Be prepared to fully explore both sides of the story and accept that neither of you has to “give in” - you need to learn how to work through the differences to come to agreement

Accept that others may have a differing viewpoint and then understand that each of you see/feel/observe things that matter to you each individually - to work through the conflict you need to uncover what this is and how you feel about it.  Remember, Conflict can be a positive thing if handled appropriately and if you embrace the Ladder of Thinking, you will be well on you way to productive conflict management. Just try it out a few times before you attempt to win over your boss…

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