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Succeeding in any venture or relationship will bring about its share of disagreements. Be it with a customer, a colleague, or business partner, disagreements are an inevitable part of doing business that you can and should be well prepared for.  Aside from settling a particular dispute, properly resolving a disagreement provides the opportunity for increasing respect, building trust, and generally advancing the relationship with your opposition to an entirely different level. Yet even so, the word disagreement continues to hold a negative connotation in most peoples mind. Why? Because disagreements make people uncomfortable. And if handled incorrectly, they can lead to a full fledged argument where nobody wins and everyone goes home unfulfilled.

I first encountered one of my favorite models for settling disagreements while reading How to Win friends & Influence People, by Dale Carnegie, a few years back. Without a doubt one of my all-time favorite books that I’ve been known to quote on more than one occasion. In his chapter entitled, “You Can’t Win an Argument” Carnegie sites an article from Bits and Pieces, offering a few suggestions on how to keep a disagreement from turning into an argument. The highlights are below.

1. Distrust your first instinctive impression. Our first natural reaction in a disagreeable situation is to be defensive. Be careful. Keep calm and watch out for your first reaction. It may be you at your worst, not your best.
2. Control your temper. Remember, you can measure the size of a person by what makes him or her angry.
3. Listen first. Give your opponents a chance to talk. Let them finish. Do not resist, defend, or debate. This only raises barriers. Try to build bridges of understanding. Don’t build higher barriers of misunderstanding.
4. Look for areas of agreement. When you have heard your opponents out, dwell first on the points and area of which you agree.
5. Be honest. Look for area where you can admit error and say so. Apologize for your mistakes. It will help you disarm your opponents and reduce defensiveness.
6. Promise to think over your opponents ideas and study them carefully. And mean it. Your opponents may be right. It’s a lot easier at this stage to agree to think about their points than to move rapidly ahead and find yourself in a position where your opponents can say: “We tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen.”
7. Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest. Anyone who takes the time to disagree with you is interested in the same things that you are. Think of them as people who really want to help you, and you may turn your opponents into friends.
8. Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem. Suggest that a new meeting be held later that day or the next day, when all the facts may be brought to bear. In preparation for this meeting, ask yourself some hard questions:

Could my opponents be right? Partly right? Is there truth or merit in their position or argument? Is my action one that will relive the problem, or will it just relive my frustration? Will my reaction drive my opponents away or draw them closer to me? Will my reaction elevate the estimation good people have in me? Will win or lose? What price will have to pay if I win? If I’m quite about it, will the disagreement blow over? Is this difficult situation an opportunity for me.

I’ll be the first to admit it takes commitment and a conscious effort to consistently apply these principals, yet I’ll wager that if you take them to heart, you won’t be disappointed.

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